PREGNANCY, THE RECOVERY AND OTHER POSTPARTUM THOUGHTS

things are about to get real honest up in here.

so i really didn't like being pregnant. like the thought of being pregnant again is very overwhelming. i hear there are women out there that actually say "i love being pregnant." i have personally never met one of these women, but if you are reading this and you love being pregnant please enlighten me on how that is possible.

i had a lot of anxiety while i was pregnant. anxiety that something would go wrong. anxiety that i would lose the baby. i don't know if that's because i've had a miscarriage or because i'm naturally pessimistic. probably both. i cried worrying about the tiny human growing inside of me. i didn't like not knowing that he was always alright. if i could just hear his heart beating 24/7 my problem would be solved.

i was pretty scared of the recovery process. i was fully expecting the worse. between the internet and people sharing words of wisdom i knew it could be pretty bad. the one i got the most was, "you know you're going to be really constipated after you give birth, right?" the recovery was not terrible, but i know that i got lucky (read had a small baby). i cannot imagine birthing a ten pound baby.

for the first two weeks it's like every time you sit down you have to act is if you're about to sit on a glass table. you go slow, put your butt down at the perfect angle and never fully relax. in the thick of this, i thought how in the world am i ever going to have sex again. this is never going to feel normal. after two weeks i was good to go in the sitting department. phase two of the pain came in the form of walking. going on walks, which was physically and mentally necessary, was so hard. it felt like someone was kicking me repeatedly between the legs. everything just ached. i didn't know it was possible to feel so sore down there. in the moments of pain i had to remind myself that people have more than one baby. it has to get better. and it did.

the pads provided a nice blast to the past. it's like being afraid of tampons the first time you get your period and sporting a pad instead. pads are the worst. they make the fact that you're bleeding ten times worse. and there is enough blood to film a horror movie the first few days. i have never had such loving thoughts about tampons.

i had no idea that you get cramps when you nurse for the first few days. every time ari latched on my uterus would would contract. i guess you're already in pain so why not bring on really bad cramps.

nobody told me about postpartum edema. i guess it doesn't happen to everyone because this is not something my mom filled me in on. between the fluids you receive during labor and the uterus expelling fluid you've got a lot of fluid in your body. and where does that fluid go? your feet. one of the doctors on call told me, "you'll see your ankles in about a week. oh, and it will get worse before it gets better." she wasn't lying. by the time we left the hospital i couldn't fit in my sneakers. a day later i couldn't fit in my flip flops. they looked like they were going to pop. no, explode. i had never considered feet to be a skinny body part until i saw how huge mine got.

and then there's the crying. anytime i felt an emotion i cried. happy or sad. i cried tears of confusion, frustration, happiness and love. i couldn't even have half the conversations i attempted to have because i would just start to cry and i couldn't get any words out.

the first few weeks with a new baby were intense. i experienced an entirely new physical and emotional state. i don't know how people heal with a new baby and other children to look after. i guess that's what grandma and grandpa are for.